"Hold My Heart" Tenth Avenue North
As I sit here writing on this old and worn out laptop, typing with a hand that has just stopped hurting from all the typing and searching the internet for jobs, I feel drained. In all of those jobs I have been applying for I cannot say that even one of them feels like it would "fit." I will admit that I have even ignored a few "704" local numbers that have called my phone today. I feel like a stubborn toddler.
You see, deciding to major in Psychology was a tough decision for me, and I feel now in this moment that it was the wrong decision. The life I dreamed of before that decision was full of Fashion, money, traveling the world, and being what I deemed to be "perfect." At that time my schooling was easy, honestly the classes were so fun that studying was often reading the latest Elle or Vogue. Then reality hit. My life took a turn, due to my stupidity one summer and it changed me.
Really God changed me.
He turned my life from being "me" centered to Him and with that I struggled with the dream life that I knew I could be headed for. God always knows what you need so he brought me a friend, really a mentor, to open my eyes. She too had a difficult life and it brought her to help others, really to share her story and live as an example. Her story is really amazing and she even wrote a book about it! She helped me to see that my past, being unique yet relatable could really help others. She even threw around the idea of us writing a book together! But at that point I was too young, and fragile in my faith so I didn't see the value in that awesome offer.
Very long story short(er) I ended up in Psychology longing to find my place with helping others yet still not really diving into my faith. Now as I am graduated, married, and looking for a job in a place that both my husband and I feel we are suppose to be, I am discouraged. Affording graduate school seems at least a few years off and finding a job in anything resembling helping others seems almost impossible. While there are some jobs available here in Charlotte, almost all of them seem to have nothing to do with what I feel called to do.
Its times like these that the stubborn side of me wants to throw my hands up in the air and crawl into a corner. Trust me, I am good at pouting. But this time it seems that God is maturing me. For the first time, at 22, after a little pouting I am able to pick up His word and try to find a bit of hope when I just feel like crying. I know its pathetic, I can obtain a good job with decent pay and my husband and I will have just what we need, but I am afraid that I will feel as though my time is worthless.
So here I am, praying that the Lord will provide a job that I will find some joy in. That I will feel as though in some small way I am making a difference. Here I am throwing up my hands and letting God take the wheel.
I knew in this time that I needed to read and meditate on those words, but where to start? I remembered our pastor saying a few Sundays ago to start in John when you don't know where else to go. So to John I went.
As I read it occurred to me that the Lord came to this earth to be an example and to pay our debt. He is the example of love and grace, patience and hope. This is the example I need to follow no matter where He puts me. I've already decided that I will be a woman of integrity in this job search, I will be honest about where I feel called (which is graduate school when we can afford it), since most of the company's want career minded individuals I know this may hurt my chances. I truly believe that the Lord will provide a job that will be where HE needs me. Not always necessarily where I want to be, but He will have a purpose for me and that is what I need to strive for.
Plus, I always have this blog. Which I love :) The song up top I came on pandora while I was meditating on what I read in John and it really spoke to me. I know that the Lord is holding my heart and that to me is quite a comfort!